I am FREE!!

Wow, I did NOT expect to have a huge testimony to share literally two days into my trip, before even getting to Zambia, but the Lord has been moving like crazy. Before coming to Zam, we spent some time in Charleston, SC training and preparing for our time on the field. In the short time we were there, so many of us found freedom and identity, and it has been beautiful to see how things have been different since walking in who the Lord says we are and declaring that the enemy has no hold in our lives. Though we are only about two weeks in, my team and I have experienced a ton of breakthrough and seen Him move in each others lives in such beautiful ways. Through vulnerability and allowing each other into the tough stuff and the celebration, we have bonded so quickly by being able to genuinely do life together.

For those of you who don’t know, I spent a long time battling anxiety and depression due to PMDD, especially the past few years. I dealt with panic attacks, a lack of motivation, self-isolation, and more. It affected my relationships, interests, self-worth, and pretty much every other aspect of my life. I was constantly bringing it to the Lord, knowing that although I may not understand it He was going to use it to grow me more into who He wants me to be. I made lifestyle changes, took supplements, and went to therapy, and although those things helped a little, my mental health still affected a lot of my life.

I went into the summer extremely nervous about dealing with my mental health while in Zambia. I was worried about access to enough water to take my supplements, not having space to myself when I was anxious, not having contact with my mom if I was struggling, and more. I reached out to my leaders and filled them in on the situation, and made a game plan with my mom to have her write down the things I may need to hear when I was having a hard day. Yet I was still nervous, and struggling to fully lean into and trust the Lord.

I got to Charleston and was fairly open to my team about what I was dealing with. I knew it was going to be a summer of learning to fully lean into the Lord, rather than depending on the people I am comfortable with. I was bracing myself for two months of pushing through the hard times, and having to take time to myself a lot in order to reset and get in a good mindset. The first two days of training were spent in a lot of tears as I worried about how I would handle the things I didn’t know or wasn’t comfortable with, without access to the people who’s beliefs and ideas I fully trusted.

During worship on the second day, I was sitting to the side flipping through my Bible trying to find passages about things that scared and confused me to try and get clarity. I grew very anxious and frustrated, and my mind began spiraling. As I sat there crying, one of leaders on my first trip came up and asked if I had pain in my mind. I said yes and she asked if she could pray over me. I agreed, and as she prayed she prayed over every. single. thing. I had been thinking, without me telling her anything. She prayed over anxiety, confusion, knots in my mind, etc. and then gave me time with the Lord to just process and pray on my own.

All day after that prayer and time with the Lord, I felt Him prompting me to trust Him and fully hand my mental health over to Him. I was struggling believing that He would fully heal me, and wrestled with this idea that PMDD was my portion and I would have to deal with it. The next morning we had a teaching on deliverance. The entire message the Lord kept telling me “Summer, this teaching is for you. I want you to be free. This PMDD isn’t of me and isn’t my plan for you anymore.” As the teaching finished and worship began, I pulled two other leaders aside and poured out my heart. I shared what the Lord had been telling me for the past 24 hours, the doubt I had been struggling with, and the things that I felt were the root of a lot of the mental health struggles. They reassured me that the Lord delights in freeing His children, and helped me walk through speaking the enemy away in Jesus’ name, fully handing it over to the Lord, and walking through forgiveness of people who had caused me to believe the lies the enemy was telling me that provided a stronghold for my depression and anxiety.

I can confidently say with so much joy that I AM FREE!! The Lord immediately and completely healed me, and I felt a heaviness lift in that moment! The past couple weeks have been so joyful, being able to worship and spend time with the Lord without a cloud of emotions overshadowing me. He has been walking me through trusting people again. He has used my team to show me what true friendship and family through Christ is, and has gently helped me open my heart back up to accepting love from others again. It has been a process, and the enemy has been trying to find his was back in any way possible. But the Lord has been so tender in reminding me of my identity and helping me stand firm in who He says I am, and tell the enemy that he has NO place here anymore. Hallelujah!!